“We teach people how to treat us.” Brené Brown said that, and for years, I didn’t really understand what it meant. Now I do. What Brené is talking about is boundaries.
So, what exactly are boundaries? Simply put, they’re the limits and guidelines we set around what we will and will not accept—and what we will do when those limits are crossed. I like to think of boundaries as a gate—they let healthy people and healthy behaviors in, while helping keep unhealthy ones out. And whether we realize it or not, every time we set—or don’t set—a boundary, we’re teaching the people around us what we will and will not tolerate.
Boundaries in Healthy & Unhealthy Systems
In a healthy relationship or family system, saying “No” or “I can’t do that” shouldn’t threaten your sense of belonging. You should be able to have a boundary and still belong. In fact, healthy boundaries can actually deepen relationships because they create honesty, trust, and mutual respect. But that’s not how it works in a toxic system. In a dysfunctional family or group, setting a boundary can feel like breaking an unwritten rule. You may be made to feel that you have to choose between belonging to the family or group and belonging to yourself. And that is a painful choice.
Why Setting Boundaries is So Hard
For many of us, setting boundaries is difficult because we want to please people. We don’t like disappointing others, and we really don’t like the guilt that can come with saying no. For those of us who have experienced trauma, it can be even harder. We may have learned early on to ignore our own needs to keep the peace, stay safe, or avoid being excluded. We may have been taught, directly or indirectly, that putting ourselves first was selfish, disloyal, or wrong.
Boundaries & Belonging
In highly dysfunctional families and toxic social groups, belonging can become conditional. You belong as long as you comply. If you don’t go along with the rules, you’re suddenly “not one of us.” Your individuality becomes a problem. And when you finally begin setting healthy boundaries, the system may push back. You may experience guilt-tripping, gaslighting, the silent treatment, accusations that you’re being dramatic or difficult, or even being told that you’re crazy.
Why? Because your boundary forces people to look at behavior they may not want to examine. And sometimes, when you stop playing the role you were assigned, the system needs someone else to blame. That’s one of the ways scapegoats are created.
Boundaries: A Work in Progress
Setting boundaries was one of the hardest parts of healing for me. And honestly, I’m still working on it. I’ve learned that knowing what a healthy boundary looks like and actually setting one are two very different things.The ability to set boundaries for those of us who experienced childhood trauma, is vitally important for building a sense of self. I talk about that HERE.
And you don’t have to come from a traumatic or dysfunctional background to struggle with boundaries. Most of us were never taught how to set them. We learned how to be nice, helpful, agreeable, polite, and accommodating. But somewhere along the way, many of us forgot that we’re allowed to have limits, too.
If you’re working on this, there are some wonderful resources available. NAMI has a helpful Setting Boundaries Guide that explains different types of boundaries and offers practical guidance for communicating them. And Brené Brown’s video, How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty is another excellent resource.
Boundaries & Children
One more thing I feel strongly about: We need to teach children how to set healthy boundaries. Boundaries are an important part of safety, self-esteem, and emotional health. Children need to know that they’re allowed to say no, that their feelings matter, and that they don’t have to sacrifice themselves to earn love or belonging. This site, How to Teach Children to Set Boundaries, has some wonderful resources to help you do this. Because let me tell you. It is a whole lot easier to learn this stuff as a child than when you’re middle-aged!
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